the past 4 weeks has been really tough. let's just say that after the first day alone, i considered asking bd to stay home with mw full time so i can go to work after my 6-weeks of paid maternity leave. i had all sorts of thoughts where i wasn't sitting at home with mw. not because i don't love him. not because i don't care. but because it was hard, and i didn't know if i could handle it.
i've been working full time for about 5 years now. and it's not easy in public accounting. the hours are long. i deal with a lot of people, internally and externally. my mind is on multiple things, throughout the day. it's really hard sometimes.
but only now do i realize that watching a child is really hard too. some days, i don't get to wash my face until bd comes home. sometimes i am trying to figure when i can actually eat. some days he cries and i can't seem to figure out how to appease him. he can't tell me what he needs and i just feel helpless as i try the different ways to soothe him. sometimes i hold him and he is looking so comfy that i keep my arm in that uncomfortable position just so that i don't disturb him. partly because i love him, and partly because if he wakes up, i don't know if i can soothe him again. my day just disappears and when i look back, i feel like it just went to waste. there has no sort of accomplishment. nobody to say good job. no list to cross off because nothing has been done. the house isn't cleaned. the dishes aren't done. the clothes aren't washed. and it's not like i can just walk away for an hour. or take a 15-minute break. or walk to my coworker's desk to talk for a little. or walk outside to get some fresh air.
this post isn't for sympathy or for empathy. if you choose to think that stay at home moms have an easy job, that is fine. it's something that you have to go through before you know what it's truly like. and after these last couple of weeks on my maternity leave, i am starting to understand what it entails. it's not me reading magazines, doing crafts, and just hanging out. it's not me taking a nap whenever i want to, or even when he does. it is a lot more and a lot complicated than that.
one of our couple friends gave us some advice early on in our marriage, and i never thought that i would have to refer to it one day, but yet here i am. she stayed home. and he worked. and coincidentally, he was in public accounting as well. they said that you just can't compare the two. one job isn't harder than the other. you just can't even let that thought enter your mind. and now i realize what they both mean.
it's hard to know what watching a child entails until you do it. and only then do you know. within the confines of the four walls of your house, only do you know.
-kaolee
